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Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
Mae West
Brought up to respect the conventions, love had to end in marriage. I'm afraid it did.
Bette Davis
By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man's, I mean.
Mark Twain
California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.
Fred Allen
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
P. J. O'Rourke
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Steven Wright
Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you; she is after your barn.
Hesiod
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Jay Leno
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Robert Benchley
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
George Carlin
Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.
Jerry Lewis
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
P. J. O'Rourke
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
Milton Berle
Fashions have done more harm than revolutions.
Victor Hugo
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
Fran Lebowitz
Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.
Cathy Guisewite
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
Mark Twain
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Mark Twain
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Naguib Mahfouz
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