I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
Tim Vine
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So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
Tim Vine
Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.
Tim Vine
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
Tim Vine
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.
Tim Vine
People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' - if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in. All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing, were the people that influenced me. What I do is quite traditional anyway.
Tim Vine
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Tim Vine
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
Tim Vine
All Tim Vine Quotations
Words
Coffee,
Dates,
Day,
Deadline,
Every,
Every Day,
Front,
I Think,
I Write,
Imagining,
Jokes,
Keep,
Minimum,
Need,
Places,
Rubbish,
Sit,
Standing,
Then,
These,
Think,
Tour,
Write
Definitions
Coffee,
Day,
Every,
Front,
Imagining,
Keep,
Minimum,
Need,
Rubbish,
Sit,
Standing,
Then,
These,
Think,
Tour,
Write
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