As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Woody Allen

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Woody Allen

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
Woody Allen

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Woody Allen

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
Woody Allen

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
Woody Allen

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
Woody Allen

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
Woody Allen


I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
Woody Allen

I am two with nature.
Woody Allen

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
Woody Allen

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
Woody Allen

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
Woody Allen

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Woody Allen

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Woody Allen