On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Steven Wright
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
Steven Wright
So, do you live around here often?
Steven Wright
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Steven Wright
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
Steven Wright
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
Steven Wright
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Steven Wright
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Steven Wright
What a nice night for an evening.
Steven Wright
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Steven Wright
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
Steven Wright
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
Steven Wright
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Steven Wright
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
Steven Wright
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
Steven Wright
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Steven Wright
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Steven Wright
Related Authors
George Carlin, Mitch Hedberg, Groucho Marx, W. C. Fields, Rodney Dangerfield, Bill Cosby, Lenny Bruce, Henny Youngman
More American Comedian Quotes
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