A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
Rodney Dangerfield

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
Rodney Dangerfield

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
Rodney Dangerfield

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Rodney Dangerfield


I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
Rodney Dangerfield

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Rodney Dangerfield

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
Rodney Dangerfield

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Rodney Dangerfield