A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of students dressed in identical caps and gowns that 'individuality' is the key to success.
Robert Orben

A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
Robert Orben

Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?
Robert Orben

Do your kids a favor - don't have any.
Robert Orben

Don't think of it as failure. Think of it as time-released success.
Robert Orben

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Robert Orben

Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Robert Orben

Every speaker has a mouth; An arrangement rather neat. Sometimes it's filled with wisdom. Sometimes it's filled with feet.
Robert Orben

I got a Valentine's Day card from my girl. It said, 'Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my lips!' Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.
Robert Orben

I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
Robert Orben


If you can laugh together, you can work together.
Robert Orben

Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
Robert Orben

In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh.
Robert Orben

Inflation is bringing us true democracy. For the first time in history, luxuries and necessities are selling at the same price.
Robert Orben

Inflation is the crabgrass in your savings.
Robert Orben

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.
Robert Orben

Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!
Robert Orben

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.
Robert Orben

Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.
Robert Orben

Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Robert Orben