A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
Mitch Hedberg

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
Mitch Hedberg

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
Mitch Hedberg

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Mitch Hedberg

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
Mitch Hedberg

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
Mitch Hedberg

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Mitch Hedberg

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
Mitch Hedberg

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
Mitch Hedberg

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
Mitch Hedberg


I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
Mitch Hedberg

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
Mitch Hedberg

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
Mitch Hedberg

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
Mitch Hedberg

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
Mitch Hedberg

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
Mitch Hedberg

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
Mitch Hedberg