Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
Jon Stewart

Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?
Jon Stewart

I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.
Jon Stewart

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
Jon Stewart

I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'
Jon Stewart

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
Jon Stewart

I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else.
Jon Stewart

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.
Jon Stewart

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.
Jon Stewart

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.
Jon Stewart


If the events of September 11, 2001, have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us American - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that.
Jon Stewart

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.
Jon Stewart

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.
Jon Stewart

Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is.
Jon Stewart

McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done.
Jon Stewart

More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had.
Jon Stewart

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.
Jon Stewart

The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote... so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1.
Jon Stewart

The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him.
Jon Stewart

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!
Jon Stewart