Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
Johnny Carson
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.
Johnny Carson
For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.
Johnny Carson
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.
Johnny Carson
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
Johnny Carson
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.
Johnny Carson
I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.
Johnny Carson
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
Johnny Carson
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
Johnny Carson
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson
If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
Johnny Carson
Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson
Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.
Johnny Carson
My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.
Johnny Carson
Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
Johnny Carson
Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.
Johnny Carson
New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.
Johnny Carson
People will pay more to be entertained than educated.
Johnny Carson
Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: "Are your ready?"
Johnny Carson
Related Authors
George Carlin, Mitch Hedberg, Groucho Marx, Steven Wright, W. C. Fields, Rodney Dangerfield, Bill Cosby, Lenny Bruce, Henny Youngman
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