A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
Emo Philips

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
Emo Philips

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
Emo Philips

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
Emo Philips

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
Emo Philips

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
Emo Philips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed. So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
Emo Philips

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
Emo Philips


I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.
Emo Philips

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.
Emo Philips

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
Emo Philips

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.
Emo Philips

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
Emo Philips

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
Emo Philips

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
Emo Philips

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
Emo Philips

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Emo Philips

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
Emo Philips