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I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
Dave Barry
I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
Dave Barry
I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.
Dave Barry
I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care.
Dave Barry
I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.
Dave Barry
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.
Dave Barry
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
Dave Barry
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be 'meetings.'
Dave Barry
If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.
Dave Barry
If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
Dave Barry
In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.
Dave Barry
In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.
Dave Barry
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
Dave Barry
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Dave Barry
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
Dave Barry
It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
Dave Barry
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
Dave Barry
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators.
Dave Barry
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible.
Dave Barry
Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
Dave Barry
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