Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
Dave Barry

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens, but they will not purchase any product, including floor wax, that has fat in it.
Dave Barry

And so by the fifteenth century, on October 8, the Europeans were looking for a new place to try to get to, and they came up with a new concept: the West.
Dave Barry

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.
Dave Barry

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
Dave Barry

Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
Dave Barry

Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
Dave Barry

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
Dave Barry

Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
Dave Barry

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!
Dave Barry


Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
Dave Barry

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
Dave Barry

Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
Dave Barry

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
Dave Barry

For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.
Dave Barry

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.
Dave Barry

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
Dave Barry

Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.
Dave Barry

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
Dave Barry

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.
Dave Barry